I’ve been rather agitated for past few weeks.
I felt angry a lot. I felt like a failure often, regardless of the quality of my work. I felt like I was being constantly ignored by people, either at work or elsewhere. .
I also wanted to drive my car into a wall a couple of times.
Eventually, when I couldn’t handle it anymore, my mom decided for me to have me go talk to my therapist again. I probably should have gone earlier, but either life got in the way before or I was just too stubborn to admit I needed a safe space to discuss things.
I am depressed. Perhaps I should say I am suffering from moderate depression.
Perhaps I should be more accurate by saying that, if my self-report holds true, I’m a few points shy of being severely depressed.
My therapist changed up my meds. I can think a bit more clearly about how I feel, but basically, everything is now one big hunk of meh. I can function, but nothing really strikes me as worth caring about unless it makes me angry.
This also means I have to sort of figure out why I bother to do certain things even if there’s no joy in doing them anymore, like work or even playing games.
As far as I’m able to tell, it’s basically been building up for a while.
I thought dates with someone were going well but that turned out to not be going well. A few months later, I try again, I got a little further, but then she up and changes her mind.
At work, I feel like what I do has purpose, but I also feel like I don’t belong, or that my inputs are useless. I guess I don’t feel valued as a person or as an asset. Even though I still like what I’m doing, I’m finding it difficult to properly speak up for myself or assert myself, because no one really seems to pay attention when I do speak up.
I’m writing this now because I’ve finally got time to think clearly about why I feel so down, and I could say it comes down to (dramatically) feeling less like someone who matters.
2 thoughts on “Depression: One big hunk of ‘Meh’”
You belong, Victor. Don’t try to fit in, because you’re not out. Cheer up.
I’m no therapist, but I always look at life in terms of numbers. We have our up times, we have our down times, and some of those downs can get pretty damn down. Thus is life. But the only way we get back up is by doing things. Not every thing we do is going to matter, but a few of them will. Hitting the bullseye takes a while, but the odds will let it happen. Keep doing things, and good things will eventually happen… it’s probability.
I’ve always thought the same about dating, too. A while ago I made a concentrated effort to finally find someone I really wanted to be with. Simply put, dating one woman at a time wasn’t going to cut it. I started seeing multiple women at the same time, but I was never dishonest about it. They all knew about all the rest and why I was doing it. When I got a couple red flags from any of them, I let them go to concentrate on others, no big deal. When I met my wife, I was dating three other women. Suffice to say, she was the one who I felt the most compatible with, and the others quickly dropped off my radar. We’ve been together now for over 10 years, married for most of them. Believe it or not, it’s a numbers game. The more you try, the more likely you will find what you’re looking for.
Eventually the dice will fall in your favor, probability says they must.
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