Personal

Feeling a Little Thankful, and a Little Hurt

Two pieces I wrote came up this week for people read on MMORPG.com. One was a discussion on progression via levels and skills for Devil’s Advocate, and the other was my explanation for why Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn might very well be a defining moment in MMO history.

On the one hand, commenters on my Devil’s Advocate Post mentioned Asheron’s Call as a game that sort of fulfills the melding of Levels and Skills, and due to my never having played it, I completely skipped it as a talking point.

I felt embarassed. At the same time, I was thankful. Someone had pointed out an issue with my article and it had given me an idea to sort of compare Asheron’s Call and Project Gorgon. It was a good angle to take, and one that I’ll explore for the next Devil’s Advocate.

On the other hand, I also received a comment on the FFXIV post that reads:

You sure did gush a lot for a non biased column.

How much does one of these columns cost a company?

For me, I can read this as trolling, but after the Eurogamer issue that occurred recently, it touched a nerve. As I’m also starting a job at Rappler, a social news site in the Philippines, on November 1, it made me anxious to have my ethics as a writer put into question. Basically, it really stung.

I responded thus,

Just so you know, this isn’t the Devil’s Advocate for this week, and as far as I can remember when I wrote it, I did not mention that I was unbiased.

I like the Final Fantasy brand. At the same time, I will admit that I was disappointed by FFXIII and FFXIV. The information given so far for the game gives me hope, and the potential of a game like this to be a defining moment in MMO history makes me pause, because it can cost tons of jobs and change lives if it fails.

I am enthusiastic for the game based on its potential, but at the same time, I’ve played enough games to know that the potential for something to be good does not make it good unless I try it and make that distinction for myself, based on my personal opinion and my understanding of the situation.

The idea that I am some sort of paid shill is a hurtful insinutation on your part, and while I would defend your ability to say it on this forum if push came to shove, I will not stand by and accept your accusation. Frankly, as a fellow person on this planet, I am hurt by your words, and I honestly hope that you would actually consider the gravity of what you’re saying to me or to anyone else in the future.

In any case, this is just sharing on my part. I take great pains to make sure my pieces are well-written and meaningful, but there are really a ton of variables I can’t account for. I know I should let it pass, but it really soured an otherwise happy day.

You Games-Meandering Bastard

Yes,Victor, you games-meandering bastard.

You’re playing or trying TOO MANY freaking games.

You have Borderlands 2, Dark Souls PC, X-Com: Enemy Unknown, and Morrowind (using the Morrowind visual enhancer) to tide you over on the non-MMO front.

Then you have an active sub to LOTRO, which you don’t play actively, and WoW, which you’re having trouble connecting to reliably.

AND you got a year’s membership to Pirate101?!

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!

Now you’re considering getting The Walking Dead and subbing to RIFT and getting the Storm Legion expansion? I mean, I understand wanting TWD, but you could never stick to RIFT!

And you want to go back just for the freaking housing?! What the bloody, bloody hell is churning around in your head?

*imaginary hairpull*

For the love of all that is finger-licking good, like fried chicken, curb your purchases, at least till November.

 

Signed,

Victor’s Meandering Mind.

The Storm has Passed but the Rain Continues

Those of you who’ve checked out various news outlets may have noticed that portions of the Philippines are in a state of calamity due to rains that simply keep coming and refuse to stop. Flood waters have caused many roads and highways to become impassable, people are stranded on their roofs (or worse) and for the most part, this rainfall we’re having is comparatively worse than the last really bad storm we had three years ago in terms of how much water it’s dumping on us.

To stress how bad this is, one of the most recent tweets for assistance is for a hospital where water is about to reach the third floor; the generators that provide support for people in critical condition could die without warning, and there’s not a lot I can do to help from my location.

Right now, I’m okay, and most of my family’s okay. I’m lucky in that our house is in an elevated place, and that we have running water, electricity, and phone connections. Many of my fellow countrymen, and a good number of my friends are in more dire straits.

If you can afford to send a dollar or two to the Philippine Red Cross I’d definitely appreciate it. The donations would be really helpful for further disaster-preparedness during this extremely trying time.

Missing Out

I’ve been in quite a haze really. The past few days have had me seeing more anxiety about a job application than normal, and it’s led me to not want to play anything, not even The Secret World.

I missed out on a bunch of Funcom points as a result which makes me feel bad because, I mean… hello? Free stuff.

Anyway, it’s also a bit detrimental for me, as I’ve been looking for inspiration for my second MMORPG.com TSW article… and thankfully, Ambermist of Tastes Like Battle Chicken had an excellent post that I wanted to delve into further with some research.

Here’s to hoping my upcoming article turns out well.

Good Medical News, LOTRO Altoholism and Being a Dick for Flowers

First, my dad was discharged yesterday. Severely restricted diet, but otherwise, he’s out of danger for now. I’d like to thank everyone for being there for me when the chips were down, as it kept me going. :)

Second, I’m suffering from the same issue that kept me from progressing beyond level 38 back in the day. I keep getting invested in making alts because all the tradeskills are interesting. Previously on Landroval, I had a Level 22 Guardian Metalsmith and a 21 Hunter Cook. I’ve also got a 17 Runekeeper Scholar that I quite like, gameplay wise… even if leveling up scholar is a pain in the rear end.

I’ve decided to retire my loremaster Jeweller and transferred all the stuff I made on it previously onto a Champion, who will also be a Jeweller.

Lastly, I’m a dick for flowers. Basically, the new Spring Flower-picking activity is turning on my competitive streak, and I end up using my horse and the natural speedbuff my 43 Warden possesses to race other people who are closer to a patch of flowers, and then I pick it first. I have become obsessed with getting a 68% speed mount sooner rather than later, and that Jester’s Steed would be the fastest way to acquire one, if I get lucky. 40 flower boxes later… I am still not lucky, and I’m morally bankrupt as well.

A Short Birthday Post and a Somber Note

Two milestones within the past 24 hours.

First, after owning an almost three year old account, I finally have one LOTRO character that’s above Level 40. It’s a warden (my favorite LOTRO class), and he’s basically the third warden I’ve ever created and played as a main.

More importantly, it’s 12:21am of May 23 in the Philippines. I am now 29.

Lastly, whether you pray or not, I’d appreciate any healing vibes, well-wishes, or prayers you can send over to my dad. My sister and I took him to the hospital around two hours ago as he was feeling light-headed. I’m home now, but my mom’s staying with him till we figure out what’s happening. Long story short, emergency room visit + various medical tests = sleepless, restless me at home.

Anwyay, that’s all.

On Inclusion and Community Building

A little over a month ago, I put up a Devil’s Advocate column for work about the culture of inclusion versus the culture of exclusion happening in today’s game space. It was debated hotly and not received well by some members of the MMORPG.com commenting community, though I’m at a loss to explain why as the mods had to lock comments and remove offensive posts (and I pretty much stopped reading the comments as they were getting out of hand).

For the most part, the crux of the article on allowing everyone to feel safe and unharassed in their games was met with some disapproval. Perhaps it’s my writing style, or perhaps some people simply don’t think the game space is worth a damn other than for selfish play, but I certainly don’t want to spend my time thinking about a community that doesn’t take care of its fellows.

Then I read the latest post on ArenaNet’s blog about building community, and the quoted portion below is an important excerpt of that:

Our ultimate goal is to create an environment that is respectful, welcoming, inclusive and friendly. We want to create a global community where people will feel at home, and an environment that will foster both creativity and collaboration.

The main goal is to be inclusive, not exclusive, to encourage collaboration between communities, and to generate an atmosphere that is helpful, friendly, and above all, respectful.  There is an unfortunate tendency in some online communities to encourage behavior that is detrimental to the fun of a lot of players by allowing a rather toxic and unwelcoming atmosphere. We want to set a new standard and make the Guild Wars 2 community a mature, friendly, helpful and inclusive one that is recognized throughout the industry as being so.  With that goal, we will ensure that both our game and our forums reflect our standards, and we will evaluate our support for communities based on the standards they enforce upon themselves.

Ravious of Kill Ten Rats and Regina Buenaobra of ArenaNet said it best when they said that they expect more. I’m not sure if it relates exactly to expecting more of one’s self on a personal level or as a whole among other people, but from my experience, I’d be the type to think that it starts with the self.

I have my own issues, likes, and dislikes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t expect more from myself in terms of my ability to respect and care for other people. That’s where it starts, and hopefully, it’ll move forward from there.

I think there’s this line from Kamen Rider OOO that kind of says it best. The lead character, Eijji Hino, once said something along the lines of wanting to have the power to help everyone in the world. However, he’s only human, so his philosophy is to start being good to other people within his arm’s reach. I think, with the help of the internet, my arm’s reach can extend farther than I think is possible, and that’s a good place to start being excellent to other people.

The Best Advice To New Capsuleers #TweetFleet

When I play video games, I have this horrible tendency to min-max my actions . It’s just how I got used to playing console games; worse still, it translated into a desire to do things expediently in MMOs.

Now EVE is a big place, with many different things to do and a lot of skills needed to properly accomplish those tasks. The one thing I knew I wanted to do in the long term was to eventually build ships, but I also knew that I had to make money to get the materials and blueprints and skillbooks needed to both build the spacecraft I would be using and fly it properly without losing it in a firefight.

To respond to that scenario, I asked myself, “What do I want to do?”

I wanted to do Planetary Interaction. Then someone told me in the forums that I might not get a lot of money or be able to properly invest in Planetary Interaction as a newcomer to the game. I reconsidered my plans to follow this route.

I followed up that thought with the possibility of doing missions and farming the standings and research points needed for datacores to make the ships I wanted to build. The information was at my fingertips, when someone told me that I wouldn’t be able to make good use of the information I had because I wasn’t training the right skills to level 5. I reconsidered my plans to try this out in the interim.

At a loss, I asked the members on the EVE forums about the best way to skill my character so I could do Planetary Interaction, Missioning, and Industry at the same time, effectively. To that end, Mara Rinn and RavenPaine gave me the best advice I could ever really ask for.

Mara Rinn told me to “Fly spaceships for fun, not profit.”

RavenPaine said, “ISK is very important, but FUN is more important. Make sure that your chosen path (paths) is fun and interesting for YOU.”

Of course, they were right. In the past, nearly every console and PC game I had spent hours obsessing over with min-maxing and “getting everything right,” I ultimately never finished. In MMOs, I got burned out from wondering if I was strong enough, or made enough DPS, or if I was looking at the right database entry for a questline I needed to finish to get better loot that was only incrementally more powerful and not even visually shown on my character.

While in EVE, information and knowledge (and website tabs with guide entries) is definitely important, worrying about maximizing ISK all the time makes it a job: one where, unless you trade in the black market, you don’t even get paid in food-buying money for. It’s an approach that can drive me away from playing EVE, if not from burnout, then from fear of being ganked and losing a virtual ship because I couldn’t fly it right.

I’ve chosen, in that regard, to not worry about maximizing ISK. Instead, I want to do the three things I feel like doing (PI, Missions/Datacore gathering, and building stuff) as best as I can WITHOUT worrying about the min-maxing of stats and the optimization of my skill queue.

Sure, I’ll still be a nervous wreck at times wondering if I’m doing the right thing. That’s to be expected as a new capsuleer. All of it, however, is part of the capsuleer’s experience in space. With a future that reaches up to distant stars, who says we have to stay focused on a single shining beacon of light? New Eden is mine to explore, and I hope to get many good memories out of flying here.

The Old Job, The Numbing Agent, The Degree, and The Attempt at Getting Back on Track

Between the two jobs I alternate between when it comes to writing and the games I tend to play and the other developments in my social life, I think I have it pretty good.

Thing is, for the past few years, I think I was in a bad place mentally and emotionally, without really fully understanding what was causing it. In one sense, I knew it was loneliness, because the loneliness crept in so bad sometimes that I played games less for enjoyment and more as some kind of numbing agent. I played games because it was part of my routine, and because it was a routine I controlled, I felt in control of something in my life when other stuff was out of my ability to control.

Gosh, that was a meandering sentence… anyway.

I think I’ve finally come to terms with the realization that where I am now started because of my first job, how it ended, and how I responded to it.

Way back in 2008, I was let go from a video game newswriting job that I really felt comfortable in. It was my first full-time job, and I think that in some respects, I was devastated by it. It was something I was good at, and I couldn’t control my keeping the job even if I was good at it.

After a short stint in a call center, I felt I needed time to figure out what I would do.At the time, silly me thought that it was a good time to go back to the only place I felt comfortable in and had some control over, which was in school. I wanted to learn how to teach.

I did well enough in my classes, but I knew there was something wrong. I kept thinking that I was here, doing this, simply because I was buying time for myself. At the same time, I didn’t feel like I was moving forward and I also didn’t feel like I was actually good at teaching.

So by late 2010, I had basically shut down on a few fronts. When the classes were over and the requirements needed to be passed at the end of the term in March, I procrastinated, I moved inch-by-inch, and eventually, even though I had all the data needed to pass the requirements, I didn’t complete it by March 2011. What did I do? I got a job and played RIFT’s beta, then when simply playing RIFT became too much of an emotional butcher’s knife to my conscience, I changed games.

In 2011, I switched jobs more than I ever had. I had a total of four jobs (five, if I take my two current writing jobs separately). I tried phone support and eventually left from anxiety issues. I wrote product specifications for stuff sold on a website. I traded that job to write stuff for a start-up website, and was let go six weeks later. Then I got a job writing Amazon related news and along with that came a shot at writing a column for MMORPG.com.

Through those two jobs and the friendship of Cassandra, whom I got to know through blogging, I was given a chance to get back on track. For once, I felt like it was okay to lose control, because somehow, if I worked hard enough at it and took an opportunity when it presented itself instead of being scared all the damned time, it would work out and right itself again.

This comes full circle now to today, because I just realized that I’m playing RIFT again, and it’s going to almost be a year since those requirements I needed to send in would force an auto-fail of my classes.

I talked to my advisor in one class, who is now the head of the Education department, and she’s willing to help me out in getting back on track to finish my Masters. I just need to grab the data and do the analyses and write-up for her class, and then find out how to resolve the issue with the other class. Something tells me I might fail that second class, because I have no idea how to get the requirements for that one resolved, but the one where my teacher’s supporting me?

I will get that done on time, and it’ll be good work. No amount of RIFT play or other games will stop me from finishing my Masters, even if I have to take a class again. I just need to work my butt off, and get in gear.

It’s time to take control of my life again, and to not let the failures dictate the majority of my life.

It’s a New Dawn, It’s a New Day, It’s a New Year, There are New Games…

… and I’m feeling good.

—- The Rest of the Post —-

2012 is a new year, and if the naysayers in this world would have it, the last year for humans to exist on the planet.

I don’t want to believe that. I mean, there’s so much to be thankful for.

Like Free Speech, and its counterpart, Using Words Responsibly.

Like Being Happy, and its counterpart, Choosing to be Angry.

And GAMES! Oh so many games!

This year, I choose to speak my mind more about the things that interest me, even if it makes me uncomfortable to open up in that way.

I will play the games I want and I will enjoy (or not enjoy) them at my leisure.

I will respect the minds of others, even if I disagree with their ideas.

I will not limit myself to one avenue of thought, and I will open up to other ideas and not act in a passive-aggressive manner to people of perceived authority.

I will not let the negativity of others invalidate what I feel towards a game.

I will balance my gaming with healthier pursuits.

I will finish that first book that’s been in my head and evolved since I was a kid.

I will define who I am by what I do and think, and not by what people think of me.

I will play more Final Fantasy XIV and maybe even get Final Fantasy XIII-2 on the PS3.

I will experience games I never thought to try out. That may include superhero MMORPGs.

I will keep writing about games!

I will stay smiling and awesome, the way I envision myself as being for the rest of my life.